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ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters Tuesday that when he was young, his dream was to actually become a bird himsel… The Onion Tweet This Post
Posts Tagged ‘Wanted’’
Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird
Posted by admin on June 11th, 2013
Posted in Breaking News 
Tags: Always, Bird, Ornithologist, Renowned, Secretly, Wanted' 
No Comments »Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See ‘After Earth’ Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee
Posted by admin on June 10th, 2013
STOCKTON, CA—While purchasing a single ticket to see a Monday afternoon screening of the Will Smith film After Earth, poor son of a bitch Evan Whitfield, 38, was reportedly forced to take a load of shit from a theater employee for wanting to … The Onion Tweet This Post
Fox and furious friends wanted DOJ to prosecute the New York Times
Posted by admin on May 24th, 2013
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Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To
Posted by admin on May 17th, 2013
WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if he really wanted to, he could probably carry out a sweeping military junta that would oust Pre… The Onion Tweet This Post
What the IRS Wanted to Know
Posted by admin on May 14th, 2013
The Daily Mail has the 55 questions the IRS asked one tea party group including demands for names of all its donors and volunteers. Taegan Goddard’s Political Wire Tweet This Post
No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted
Posted by admin on May 4th, 2013
INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening. The Onion Tweet This Post
Senate Candidates Wanted
Posted by admin on May 4th, 2013
New York Times: “The dearth of candidates for an open Senate seat reflects what former and current senators and those who once aspired to the office say is a sad truth: rarely has the thought of serving in the Senate seemed so unappealing.” Tweet This Post
American Voices: First Woman Added To FBI’s ‘Most Wanted Terrorists’ List
Posted by admin on May 3rd, 2013
Joanne Chesimard, a member of the Black Liberation Army who killed a New Jersey state trooper 40 years ago and has since fled to Cuba, was named one of the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists, becoming the first woman ever to appear on the list. The Onion Tweet This Post
Posted in Breaking News Tags: Added, American, FBI's, first, list, Most, terrorists, Voices, Wanted', Woman No Comments »American Voices: First Woman Added To FBI’s ‘Most Wanted Terrorists’ List
Posted by admin on May 3rd, 2013
Joanne Chesimard, a member of the Black Liberation Army who killed a New Jersey state trooper 40 years ago and has since fled to Cuba, was named one of the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists, becoming the first woman ever to appear on the list. The Onion Tweet This Post
Posted in Breaking News Tags: Added, American, FBI's, first, list, Most, terrorists, Voices, Wanted', Woman No Comments »Large Majority Wanted Gun Background Checks Bill
Posted by admin on April 29th, 2013
A new Gallup Poll finds 65% of Americans say the U.S. Senate should have passed the measure that would have expanded background checks for gun purchases, while 29% agree with the Senate’s failure to pass the measure. Taegan Goddard’s Political Wire Tweet This Post
