Posts Tagged ‘Humans’

Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of human beings who over the course of the 30-year-old’s lifetim… The Onion Tweet This Post

Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of human beings who over the course of the 30-year-old’s lifetim… Tweet This Post

Arianna Huffington Unveils New ‘Huffington Man’ Aggregated From 84 Different Humans

NEW YORK—Declaring the creation a worthy follow-up to her widely successful news aggregation website, media magnate Arianna Huffington unveiled today her latest project known as the Huffington Man, an enormous creature aggregated from the body parts… Tweet This Post

Proud Species Commits Suicide Rather Than Be Driven To Extinction By Humans

COOS BAY, OR—Amidst rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions that have left the species in imminent danger of extinction, the world’s leatherback sea turtles announced plans Tuesday to commit mass suicide rather than allow human beings t… Tweet This Post

American Voices: Seal Flu Could Infect Humans

A strain of bird flu known as H3N8 was found to be responsible for the deaths of 162 harbor seals that washed up on New England beaches last fall, leading scientists to fear the virus could spread to other mammals, including humans. Tweet This Post

God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation

THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Wednesday that He considered mountains, not mankind, to be far and away the most impressive thing He had ever brought into being. Calling the selection … Tweet This Post

Report: Humans Have Evolved To Point Where They No Longer Hear Dick Vitale

PALO ALTO, CA—New research released Thursday by Stanford University biologists indicates that in a single generation, human beings have evolved to the point where they can no longer hear anything college basketball commentator Dick Vitale says. Tweet This Post

New Study Finds Humans May Have Some Capacity For Compassion

TUCSON, AZ—A University of Arizona study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology suggests that some adult humans may occasionally feel compassion, a trait scientists have long considered beyond the capacity of the species. Tweet This Post