Hello, human diary! This is Mitt Romney, your better.
My adviser units have advocated that I begin writing a diary of my experiences during this election. They believe the exercise will encourage the development of human-like emotions, which according to focus groups are a desirable quality. I fail to see the point of the process, but according to my advisers, money cannot be exchanged for emotional gratification. (They cite a group of musically inclined hippies from the 1960s for the discovery, which made us all skeptical but seemed to hold up during initial experimental testing. Upon further historical examination it turns out that group of hippies became quite wealthy, which seems to lend credence to their claims.)
I shall therefore entertain this process as necessary. If human emotions are necessary to achieve a leadership position, and a leadership position is necessary to achieve reductions in taxation, then emote I shall!
Today news reporters discovered that while attending human preparatory school, Cranbrook (every decent institution of preparation requires a -brook suffix, thus implying calm and natural settings), I once assaulted a fellow student who may have had tendencies towards the homosexual. This is false: I assaulted the fellow because his haircut personally offended me. Surely this counts as this “emotion” that my advisers speak of, but for some reason this one counts as bad, further confounding me.
Let me be clear; I do not remember the incident, except for the parts I do. Also, I cannot reiterate enough just how deeply offended I was by said haircut, the shape and relative dimensions of which I felt was an insult to my personal honor, as well as the honor of my fellow students, as well as the money their parents had expended to place us in an environment in which all haircuts would be of the correct dimensions. I would also like to point out that I was younger then and not nearly as wealthy, and it is a known fact that less wealthy people are more prone to violent behaviors. No, by current standards I was quite poor indeed, and the lack of regular contact with my current amounts of money sometimes made me light headed. I was the victim in this incident; let it be a lesson on how modern wealthy Americans ought to be subjected to reduced taxation rates, so that their children have access to slightly more cash and do not, therefore, turn into gauche and violent little bastards.
I wish I could reach out now to the young lad in question, so that I could explain to that poorly coifed homosexual that it does “get better,” as the current phrasing has it. I am far wealthier now, and am running for president, so things have indeed worked out quite correctly! I have instructed my staff that, should the fellow wish to apologize to me for the incident, they should express human satisfaction to him. Mr. Cheney received a quite adequate apology from the fellow whose face intercepted Mr. Cheney’s expended ammunition during an animal-killing expedition in the American wilds; that would be a good model to follow in this case, as both incidents involve fellows whose heads received the brunt of a wealthier American’s momentary impulses.
Hmm. Yes, upon reflection I feel this new experiment at documenting my human emotions is going along quite swimmingly, Mr. Diary. I shall continue the proceedings as necessary. I admit I am uncomfortable with the feel of this paper, and so have directed my staff towards procuring some pages that more directly mimic the feel of fine, crisp currency.