From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Week Ahead
Monday Europe wakes up to find that France has a new president: Francois Hollande, a socialist. Austerity pushers across Europe and the U.S. recoil in horror at the news, knowing that Hollande will soon add more proof that they’ve been full of crap all along.
Ron Paul does a happy dance after finding out that his supporters totally owned Maine’s Republican state convention over the weekend, snatching 20 of 24 national delegates. In a brief moment of bipartisan unity, Democrats lace up their tap shoes and join in from the sidelines.
Brits get the day off because of a rare event called a “Bank Holiday.” (Please note that the traditional Bank Holiday cheese rolling event on Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire has been moved to June 4). Here in America, meanwhile, the big banks will observe their usual holiday tradition of worshipping themselves on days that end in y.
Tuesday Election day! Voters in Indiana will likely send 149-year-old Senator Dick Lugar packing. Voters in North Carolina will decide if discrimination should be written into their state constitution. And with 60 percent of the races either unfilled or uncontested, voters in West Virginia will mostly show up at the polls for the free doughnuts.
The House Financial Services subcommittee on Domestic Monetary Policy and Technology holds a hearing on ways to improve the Federal Reserve. Proposals expected to receive unanimous support: “Taco Tuesdays,” new air fresheners in the bathrooms, and a fresh row of marble columns.
Wednesday The penguin that bit Newt Gingrich dies of Newt Gingrich poisoning.
Lint screens fly at half staff for National Lost Sock Memorial Day. They left us too early, darn them.
Thursday The Labor Department announces jobless claims for the week. Once again, the #1 claim is, “Once again, I’m jobless for the #!&#@!! week.”
Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren’s dog, Otis, comes out publicly against forced high-speed canine car roof incarceration.
The Netroots Nation convention begins one month from today. Repairing the hole in the ceiling from firing the starter bazooka begins one month and one minute from today.
Friday The University of Michigan’s May consumer sentiment report comes out. Economists express optimism as the mood climbs from “flamboyantly indifferent” to “outlandishly nonplussed.”
Mother’s Day is two days away. That’s your reminder. You’re welcome.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold… [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]