No Labels — an organization that earnestly believes that all of America’s problems are being caused by a deficit of niceness among Congresscritters — really wants them to agree to bipartisan seating at the upcoming State Of The Union address. In fact, it’s a matter of such pressing, high-priority importance that the group took it upon itself to place a full-page ad in The New York Times — half of which is dominated by the word “Duh!” — insisting that this happen.
First off, if anyone out there was dumb enough to donate money to the almost antagonizingly ridiculous No Labels, one of the several groups that has been founded on the dubious premise that the answer to any political question is to take the conservative approach, call it moderate, and have everyone else shut the hell up already, I think it more than fitting that those people have their money used to help pay for a full-page “Duh!” ad in the New York Times. Good show.
So, then: seating charts. That’s what will fix everything. All that it takes to get Congress functional again is seating charts, like the kind you had to endure in sixth grade when the teacher decided that she was sick and damn tired of the same group of four-foot-high troublemakers egging each other on and that since she couldn’t legally beat them to within an inch of their snotty little lives, they at least needed to physically be spaced out more. I think we can all get behind the notion that congresspeople really are, in general, such gigantic asses that the mere act of having them sit in different places for an evening is both the least and the most we can possibly get them to agree to do, but … no. No, I’m sorry. I can’t even pretend there’s some magical beans-and-pixie-dust way this isn’t just a stupid, pointless waste of an argument.
Really? We’re going to have an alleged bipartisan movement whose big, bold, full-page big-texted dream is to rearrange the deck chairs on the good ship Congress? That makes me cry. That makes me think that even the biggest political rube-seekers in America are so bereft of any actual plan that they can’t actually come up with of any other concrete goal worth pursuing. A full page ad against Congressional inaction on critical issues? That I can see. A full page ad asking why individual senators insist on using even noncontroversial executive appointments as hostages for unrelated or unobtainable demands? Sure, why not. A full page ad calling out individual senators for obstructionism, or an individual congressman for, say, demonizing Muslim Americans for no good reason other than bigotry? Now there’s something I can get behind.
But all of those are pipe dreams, because our current lawmakers are just so damn incompetent that the best we can even hope for, if we really really really push them, is to implement … a bipartisan approach to ritualized ass-sitting.
Whatever. I just don’t care.