From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Millionaires Abandon Protest Movement
(NEW YORK)—A group of multi-millionaires claiming to represent the oppressed wealthy minority in America has abandoned its street-level protest in lower Manhattan, vowing instead to fight on from its upper-floor penthouses and secure gated communities.
Hoisting signs bearing gold-embossed slogans like “We are the 1%” and “Gordon Gekko 2012,” the group calling itself Shut Up, Occupy Wall Street! marched half a block before returning to the valet-parking booth from which the protest started. The event lasted an estimated four minutes, according to observers.
“We’re rich as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore,” said Winthorp P. Adelay III, 61, who supervises a Goldman Sachs office in the financial district. “It’s damn difficult to get any derivatives trading done with all that shouting by the riff-raff going on down below.”
“They want preferential treatment,” said capital investments executive Margaret B. Plackmore, 58, as she stepped into a Bentley that was to chauffeur her to a private clinic for her monthly botox and seaweed-wrap treatment after the rally. “All the banging and honking and chanting and what have you. Why, it’s driven my poor bichon frise back into therapy. Besides, I hear Burger King is hiring, so what do they have to be so angry about?”
March organizer Laurence Davenport IV, a senior analyst at AIG, said the goal of Shut Up, Occupy Wall Street! was threefold: “Lower taxes, less regulation, and tell those Occupy Wall Street protestors to shut the hell up and go get a job.”
Police say the multi-millionaires’ protest was peaceful, but Inspector Anthony Bologna of the NYPD randomly pepper-sprayed several of the Occupy Wall Street protestors a few blocks away, “just to keep ‘em from getting any crazy ideas.”
When asked why the millionaires’ march lasted only a few minutes, Adelay said that conditions on the ground were worse than they realized. “There’s grime and grit down here,” he said. “When that first scuff appeared on my Salvatore Ferragamo python loafers, I knew this environment was too hostile. It’s like the wild west.”
The group hasn’t decided if they’ll try again. They plan to meet for Sunday brunch at the Waldorf Astoria to discuss their options.
Correction: The group members didn’t march, but were shuttled down the sidewalk in golf carts. The damage to Mr. Adelay’s loafers was due to a falling martini olive.
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